Conflict resolution for dummies

Dr Oliver Hartwich
Insights Newsletter
15 March, 2024

Our esteemed Pontiff, Pope Francis, has once again had a brilliant epiphany. His solution to the Ukraine conflict is so obvious that one wonders why nobody thought of it earlier: Ukrainians just need to raise the white flag, and there will be peace on Earth.

Sounds simple? It is!

Who would have thought ending a war that has kept the world on edge for over two years could be so easy?

In Francis’ world, the whole war may just have been a misunderstanding. Vladimir Putin, that famous angel of peace, sent a few soldiers and tanks over the border to expand his territory and do a little clean-up. Pure routine for a man of his calibre.

But what do these obstinate Ukrainians do? Instead of recognising the sign of the times and gratefully grovelling at the cross, they dare to resist! The nerve of these people!

How fortunate we are to have a Pope whose razor-sharp analysis shows us the path to peace. After all, negotiation is always the key – especially when one party has absolutely nothing to say.

Of course, Ukraine will have to make some tiny sacrifices: surrender a few territories here, relinquish sovereignty there, and maybe give up its culture for good measure.

But let’s be honest: Who needs those pesky things when you have the glorious prospect of living as Putin’s loyal subjects?

The Pope’s message is loud and clear: Ukrainians, start sewing your white flags while you still have fabric! Bury your weapons, embrace the Russian soldiers with open arms, and let them graciously issue your shiny new passports.

Anyone who still entertains thoughts of resistance has clearly missed the point entirely. Once Ukraine is fully Russified, we can put the whole unpleasant chapter of war behind us.

The Pope can rest easy, having fulfilled his sacred mission as the supreme peacemaker.

Russia will be ecstatic because it got to gobble up another juicy piece of the geopolitical pie.

And we in the enlightened West will be overjoyed because we will no longer have to worry about expensive arms deliveries. Instead, we can finally refill our gas storage tanks.

It’s a win-win-win situation all around!

Isn’t it wonderful when the complicated things in life can be solved in such a simple manner? All it takes is a little bit of courage – the courage to capitulate unconditionally, that is.

In Putin’s name, Amen!

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