Kiwi Olympics

Matt Burgess
Insights Newsletter
6 August, 2021

Dear International Olympic Committee,

Please find attached our bid to host the 2036 Olympics Games in Wellington.

We noticed that at US$25 billion, Tokyo Olympics are the most expensive Games ever. That is a lot of sheep meat, as they say.

So forget unity and aspiration. The theme of the 2036 Olympic Games in Wellington will be fiscal responsibility.

Needless to say, our economic advisers are very excited about this theme. They have calculated that a fiscally responsible Games in 2036 will be “extremely efficient,” which means “wildly popular.”

Here is how we will cut costs.

First, we will run the 100 metres dash over 80 metres. To compensate, we will either make the track uphill or athletes will do the last bit twice. They won’t mind.

Instead of gold, silver and bronze medals, the medals will be tin, aluminium and tin with manure. We will make the ribbon out of number 8 wire because cliches are very cheap.

We think Tokyo was onto something by not letting anybody apart from athletes into the venues. We will save even more money by not having venues. We will broadcast everything via web cams. Spectators can watch on YouTube. Think of the emissions!

We also propose to remove two rings from the Olympics logo to save money on signage.

And no Games village. The athletes will be billeted.

As for mottos for the 2036 Games, we have some ideas. They include “Cheap as chips” and “Sweet as.” But we are leaning towards “Chur!” mainly because it has the fewest letters.

We are not going to lie to you. Hosting the Olympics in Wellington has risks.

For example, we cannot be sure the pool will have water or that you will be able to see the bottom. And let’s just say the water might have… obstacles. Does the term “Code Brown” mean anything to you?

The boat races will start in Wellington harbour. We just don’t know where they will finish. Depending on the wind, it could be Auckland, Christchurch or Chile.

Martial arts and shooting competitors will have dedicated facility thanks to a generous offer from the friendly team at the Mongrel Mob.

To commemorate the Wellington Olympics, the entire city will be declared heritage after the Games. Whichever parts were not already heritage, that is.

Finally, we promise to start the 2036 Games on time. Unless MIQ is still a thing in 2036 in which case all bets are off.

Yours etc.

 

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