Alright people, listen up!

The rules have changed since last time around. No, Wilkinson, I'm not talking about same-day enrolment.

Section 218A of the Electoral Amendment Act, people. Read it. Learn it. Free food, drink and entertainment are banned within a hundred metres of a polling place.

We're here to make sure the rules are followed. The integrity of the election is at stake. One giveaway sausage and we'll have a constitutional crisis on our hands. Don't mess up, people!

Olsen, you're patrolling the perimeter for anyone loitering with intent to feed. Colour-code any approaching threats and report them to mission control immediately.

Water is code green – it's allowed. But that weird, slightly flavoured water they sell in service stations is code orange. Anything edible is code red.

A sausage, any sausage at all, is code black. Don't report it, just take the perps down – with extreme prejudice.  

Killick, I'm relying on you to intercept any contraband that slips through. And take note of what kind of consumable it is, so the relevant party can be reported to the Electoral Commission.

Kale burgers, spirulina smoothies, anything that smells like compost – that's the Greens.

What's that, Olsen? Yes, a vegan sausage still counts, even if it tastes like earwax and has the texture of sponge rubber. Extreme prejudice!

A stale Koru Lounge scone means National. Intelligence says the PM's been hoarding them since his days at Air New Zealand.

What about ACT, Olsen? Don't be daft. ACT's never given anything away for free in its life.

It goes without saying that a sausage roll would implicate Labour. It would point right to the top, in fact.

No, Olsen, a sausage roll is not a sausage.

Gardner, you're on Russian interference. Keep your eyes peeled for borscht and stroganoff. Mind you, the way things are going, we'll have to watch out for the Yanks too. For obvious reasons, hamburgers and Diet Coke are code orange.

Enriquez, you're in charge of entertainment prevention. Whistling while waiting to vote is out. Busking is a line call. If they're making money, that's allowed. But move along anyone with an empty tin.

That's about it, people. Now get out there and make this a clean election! Oh, and there are doughnuts on the table at the back. Help yourselves.

Relax, Olsen. We're 105 metres from the booth. I measured.